Discounted ticket price: 10.50 an adult. We took our friends Emmie (a fellow transplant from NYC who worked in the photo department at People magazine) and Brian (a sports business entrepreneur).
Obviously this began with wine and perhaps a miniature shot of Jagermeister, which immediately gave me a stomach ache that lasted through the THREE HOUR CIRCUS. Hell no, we weren't going to this thing sober! Check out the arena with its screaming children (all high on sugar and soda and awake until 10 PM with their dang flourescent Darth Vader swords). This arena was soon packed to the brim:
Those would be the Shriners driving around on motorcycles and introducing the event. See the enormous shriner hat mascot, a few feet to the right of Sponge Bob Squarepants? Good times.
Here's our tranny ringmistress Michelle Audrey, who introduced every event with a horrendous circus voice (HEERE we GOOO with OUR fabUUUlous ti-GERS!) and outfits about 4 sizes too small. Maybe 8 sizes. Thongs, people. That's why this photo from the circus website is from the belly up. Thank God we were in the nosebleed section.
Onto the tiger act - yes, animals! Only you soon feel sorry for these poor things, traveling from city to city in cages.
Their master was amazing, with flowing platinum (possibly grey) locks, intensely tight white pants, an exposed, hairless chest with leather fringe vest, boots, arm shields and wielding a whip. His act consisted of swinging his whip in the air 10 feet away from any tiger and bending into a semi-warrior-one yoga position to flex his leg muscles:
This man clearly moonlights as a lead singer for a White Snake cover band on the weekends. Had to make that photo black and white. Instant classic. Please note how far he is from the animals. The tiger in the back is straight up embarassed for this fool and probably wouldn't even deign to eat him. Check out that look of tiger disgust.
The best was when the tigers would hiss at him:
"La la la, stop looking at me! They can't eat me, it's in my contract! Tee hee, tee hee, I am frightened but still manly. My pants are sick!"
One of the tigers went on a tightrope, which was impressive. Look at those paws!
Next up: trapeze artists. With absolutely no net below them, nor harness:
Love the heels at the bottom of the photo.
Followed by the My Little Pony parade, arranged in rainbow order by mane and tail color:
And then the man-hamster who ran inside and on top of a rotating wheel that went about 40 feet in the air. The only photo I care to show is when he geniusly blindfolded himself and nearly fell off the dang thing:
Don't worry, he caught himself in the next second or so. This was followed by "Lloyd's Old English Sheepdogs," which entailed puppies being driven around on a clown car and then climbing some bleachers and running down a slide. They were so cute. Until one got overexcited, jumped off the moving car and WENT UNDER THE WHEEL. The puppy was okay. Luckily.
I hate Lloyd.
This photo was just before the "accident." Seriously, attending the circus makes you want to join PETA. Even if you just had steak tartare with a side of blood sauce for dinner.
And onto the elephants, who were first used for rides at the intermission. At 8:30 PM. (The original time we had assumed, so foolishly, the circus would have been over.) This intermission was 45 MINUTES LONG. More beers were consumed.
I am fairly certain there is no regulation regarding the number of children or adults placed on a wild animal's back. If you are wondering if this is the dollar store version of the circus of our childhoods, you would be correct.
After an intermission long enough for Jon to grow a mustache, the elephants came back out with some showgirls:
The poor friend at the end can only get his leg so high. Needs to work on some inner thigh muscles. Their butts are so cute!
Not so cute? Basketball-sized poops that littered the ring. Note the similarity between the size of the man's head and the dropping.
We're almost done! The tightrope motorcyclists! Not cool at all.
And aerialists, who dangled and twisted high up over the rings. Again, with no net. This chick was quite impressive:
And last but definitely not least, an act which the boys missed in entirety while getting yet more beers - the contortionist. This was, by far, the best part of the show. She basically rested her chin on a small stand and then twisted her body up over and around her head in a variety of illegal positions. She ended by aiming a bow with her legs and shooting an arrow across the ring, directly into a balloon.
Yeah, that man's job is obviously integral to this act. She was resting her chin on one of those handrests for the majority of the show. I mean, insane. She is not getting paid enough for this.I hope she has her own RV dressing room.
I'm exhausted just reliving this experience via photos. Quite the weekend.