Fine. I promise to never use the words "Samaritan milk explosion" ever again. Instead, I will write about things much less creepy, such as leprechauns.
Commonly-known facts about leprechauns, little lepes, or leipreachans (in Old Irish):
- He is a fairy creature, similar to the clurichaun but without the drinking problem.
- He is very old, wrinkly and in dire need of botox.
- A bit of a dandy, clad in a red or green coat with rows and rows of shiny buttons and an old-timer (16th century) hat. The hat is key.
- No taller than a small child. And occasionally only 2-3 inches tall. Wee.
- Very solitary and often quite cranky, ill-natured, cunning and fond of mischievous practical jokes. A bit of a recluse.
- Prone to pinching people.
- Though solitary, reportedly very well-spoken and a good conversationalist, should you get over the pinching.
- When particularly excited, will leap onto his pointed cap and spin in circles, his dainty feet poised in the air. Quite agile and sprite.
- If he didn't have that hat, "ye might pass a leprechaun in the road and never know it's himself." His hat was not cool in the 17th century and is downright ridiculous in the 21st. Could use a TLC makeover.
- Occasionally carries a sword, which he will use as a magic wand to your detriment.
- Occupation: Cobbler (old-school shoemaker).
- A very rich cobbler, known to possess treasure crocks which are often secretly buried.
- He likes to count the money in these treasure crocks, which contain one coin for each year of his life. And can sometimes be found at the end of a rainbow.
- A human can obtain these riches only by interrogating, outwitting or frightening a leprechaun with bodily force.
- Which you can probably do by following the sound of his shoemaker's hammer to his secret den. Most likely located inside the trunk of an old tree, a la Leprechaun, the cinematic gem that remains the highlight of Jennifer Aniston's movie career.
- If you fix your eye upon a leprechaun you are rooted to the spot, unable to move. God help ye.
- If you look away, he will vanish instantly. Along with those pots o' gold.
- Wearing green makes you invisible to the leprechaun. Your call if you'd like to avoid the pinching or become a millionaire.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
In reality, the true St. Patrick was born in 385 A.D. and traveled across Ireland establishing monasteries. He was celebrated with great feasts on this day pre-17th century. Today we're more likely to throw on something bright green, draw a shamrock on our faces, stick a 'Kiss Me, I'm Irish' pin on a tee shirt and get hardcore drunk via Irish Carbombs while eating corned beef. I plan to drink enough beer to spy a leprechaun and interrogate him into giving me all of his gold, which I will then spend on expensive shoes that will force said leprechaun's blood to boil over the irony of it all!